the rules of cancer

For whatever reason, when I was first diagnosed with cancer I felt the need to establish a few rules for my behavior during treatment.  This was different then the automatic and obligatory reassessment of lifestyle and diet that all cancer patients go through.  If you don’t know what this is, allow me to explain.  Finding out you have cancer, generally you automatically blame yourself and try to counteract with a huge overhaul of your lifestyle.  This includes but is not limited to starting a macrobiotic/vegan/vegetarian/healthier diet, changing to a deodorant that comes from a crystal (no joke), working out, cutting out anything with any pseudo-sweeteners, cutting out caffeine, etc.  No one of these things are a cancer causing agents (so calm down), but if you’ve ever read any study done by anyone that shows even a fake link between the item and cancer, you cut it out.  The amount of time this lasts of course varies.  For me it depended on the item, but I got over most this pretty quick (crystal deodorant is messy).  No the rules I am speaking of were much more arbitrary then that.

When I look back on it now, I think that it had a lot to do with taking control of something that was completely outside of my control.  On some level I had decided that if I could set and follow a few predetermined rules, I would have a hand in the outcome of my cancer battle.  Almost a superstition, but something a little more structured then that.

The first of these rules was about parking.  At the hospital there are about 5 spots specifically designated for oncology patients.  As soon as I saw them, I knew I could never park in them.  These spots were for real cancer patients.  Those that felt like crap and were getting whipped in their battle with cancer (and chemotherapy).  Since I would never be that person, rule #1 would be that I would never use those spaces.

Rule #2 was created shortly after (maybe during) my first chemo session.  I would never wear sweatpants to chemo.  Some of the outfits that people showed up in were insane!  Cancer does not exempt you from the rules of fashion and the way that many dressed seemed (to me) to reflect on their spirit in the face of their treatment. 

But with the passing of time these rules have seemed a bit less important and maybe even ridiculous.

Immanuel changed the parking assignments and moved the oncology spots back.  Now that they are in spots that had previously been undesignated (and I had used), I have no qualms with parking in them.  Plus, as it turns out I AM a real cancer patient and those spots are meant for US.  The sweatpants rule went out the window as well.  Turns out those people wearing sweats to chemo knew what they were doing.  Sitting for hours on end, hooked to something that makes you more miserable with each minute, why wouldn’t you wear the most comfortable clothing possible?  So I went out and bought “chemo clothes”.  They are still sweats, but something about buying them specifically for chemo makes this okay.  So, fighting spirit fully intact, I sit here with some of the most comfy cozy (and huge) pants I own.

I think that the breaking of these rules has also been a big part of the cancer journey.  When I look at it now I think that they were meant to set me apart from the rest of my reluctant brethren (cancer patients).  But now as I break or blow-off each of the rules, I think I am coming to new levels of acceptance as well. 

I am a cancer patient and I am not alone.

aja